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  • Writer's picturegilburns

One Helluva Month

Updated: Mar 24, 2023

Yes - you heard me. I used the made up word 'helluva' because that's how serious I am about the month I've just had. Reading my last post back, I see was all full of positivity - in fact I was determined to do a handstand wasn't I? Yes I was! However - since April 4th several things have conspired against my life and I'm about to tell you all about them here in this - my most recent blog post.*

It all began when I received the results of my (previously mentioned in the last post) knee x-rays. The advanced practitioner who brought me the results was very concerned. She told me I have 'moderate wear and tear' behind my kneecaps. Which I thought didn't sound too bad right? Wrong! Apparently someone of my age (42 if you're wondering) shouldn't have 'moderate wear and tear' behind their kneecaps. Thinking face emoji. She even offered me prescription painkillers, which gave me an inkling that I should be in some serious pain. I'm not! The feeling in my knees is what I'd describe as moderate discomfort, annoyance and 'fluidy badness'. But only sometimes. I'm somewhat of a medical anomaly. In that doctors always expect things and I'm always really different. Although I guess everyone probably is - because we intrinsically know our own bodies in a way that no doctor, however good at their job, could. Anyway. I digress. So I spent a few days panicking and asking Dr Google what 'moderate wear and tear' means. We all know we shouldn't do this. But we all do! And there were only abysmal search results. Facepalm emoji.

So I saw the physio. I was fully prepared for him to say "Miss Burns (because, as we found out in my last post, he always calls me Miss Burns. Honest) you need a knee replacement immediately, but not before you lose two stone and also you'll need new feet, spine, hips and teeth" But actually - he said it wasn't all that bad and that I could fix my knees. But then he also said I've got hypermobility syndrome (I've had this info for my whole life!) and that I'd need to do lots of extra work - no shit Sherlock. So I was baffled. I was perplexed. But slightly relieved, if confused. So then I went for a lovely massage which made me feel all floaty-light, like a Malteser, and then I was all "ok - whatever! I'm gonna nail a handstand and be so buff that everyone will be like - 'Oh Gil you're so muscly and fit' " and everything would be ok. Brilliant plan!

However, that evening I awoke in a sweat thinking I'd not hydrated enough after my massage. But what followed was 48 hours of intense vomiting. I had picked up a stomach bug in one of those 'schools' that I hate so much. Seriously? I've not been that ill since being a child. Not in that way anyway. So, my handstand training had to wait. And my 'reasons for not having children' list pinged loudly and insistently on list item 4 - Plagues.

Following on from this awful, offensive attack on my body, my knees proceeded to swell to the size of melons, my hip dislocated (in a way that it does very often - not my first rodeo) and I just found my handstand training so very hard. So I TOOK A BREAK. This is a very important thing to do when things get too much. Sadly - while taking this break - I managed to pick up everyone's fave - Covid - 19!! Yay! I'd managed to steer clear so far, however it got me and it got me good. I've been pretty poorly with it - 9 days testing positive and still I'm struggling with my chest and sinuses... Covid is the WORST! Not that anyone needed telling that. We know. Hashtag the last two years.

Anyhoo. So now you know all this gross info about my body it's time for me to actually start writing about work and what I'm up to! SO during this 'periodico horrifico' (that's a made up term) I found out that Skylight Circus Arts - who I have worked for over many happy years - had been awarded an ACE grant to do a lovely performance project that I am to perform in as well as direct and project manage! SO - busy busy now! It's quite a lovely little exciting project that is feeding my creativity very nicely! AND I've been talking to handmade parade about a project at Leeds Armouries in October that I'm going to project manage and direct as well as (more pressingly) making some costumes for a parade in Knowsley that they're producing at the beginning of June - so I'm having a wonderfully creative time of it - even if I do feel like my head is full of cotton wool! I've also still not finished those stilt trousers for Fat Cat Brass... Sorry Mitch... But they're nearly there - they're a big headscratcher! I will post some pics once I've finished them - which will be very soon... (Friday!!)

So - all that remains is a Shakespearean insult!! Here we go:


Take that as you will... (NB - fustilarian means 'fat, frowsy slut' Exceptional work form Wills there...)

*This blog is really supposed to be an informative piece of literature for anyone thinking of working with me who wants an up-to-the-minute take on what I'm doing for work... Alas - this being me, it's veered well away from that and is now something akin to therapy. No one reads blogs anyway these days do they...

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